Diet...ick...I have never had a good relationship with the word, and frankly, I love cheeseburgers far more then any human should, so "diet" has been a mortal enemy of mine for many years....
but here I sit, on day 15......
I get frustrated easily about my weight. I have always been above the "proper" weight for my height....on my high denial days, i rationalize it with the fact that, because of my curved spine I am supposed to be 5'10, so for that height, I wouldn't be over weight at all.....
Then, I face the truth, I am overweight. I am not 5'10, I am 5'5 and I am not happy with my body one little bit
It got worse even, after my hysterectomy, the scar running not-so-straight up my lower belly.....my fiancee calls it a battle scar, says to wear it with pride, kisses it tenderly in my lowest moments, holds me, and sincerly loves how I look the weight that I am....but I don't.
I don't want to be skinny, I don't think I would be any happier skinny, but I want to be healthy. I want to wear shorts with pride. I want to look in the mirror and say "damn" about my own reflection.....I do it so easily for my friends- even strangers- regardless of their weight, why can't I do it for myself???
So I started this diet. I am doing it healthy, following weight watchers points plan, eating lots of veggies, and water and extra excersise....I haven't cheated even once and I want to be so proud that I have lost 5 lbs in the last 2 weeks.....but all I can think is, I wish I'd lost more....I feel like I have done a complete over haul on my eating habits, and have successfully managed to consume healthy foods, even when the people around me are enjoying  the fatty, deliciousness I used to partake in far too often....and only 5 lbs.
And I am frustrated. I feel like I have worked so hard, and seen so little change, and half of the time I want to just give up.

But I won't....at least not yet...I have some fight left in me.....

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have always had a kind of hatred for video games, especially when it came to kids and video games. I have never seen the benefit of (or even the entertainment value) in sitting and using my thumbs for countless hours. Chris was one of those kids, sent to his room to play video games all the time, and I think it's pretty obvious that because that,  it is such an issue in his life today.
I hate that. The thought scares me, and I have always kept an video games to a 'treat", something that happens rarely in my home. This means my children are a little old fashioned in the way they play I suppose and they have more bruises then the average child because they are always moving, and I have always been proud to boast that I give them that.

HOWEVER.
I have discovered the Wii.
The most genius thing ever and I I love it. I am sore from playing it. It's fun, and you move!!

I owe video games an apology. I have said some things in the past out of anger, that I didn't mean.
I am sorry.
Now, who's ass can I kick, in bowling, in my own living room???

Where's the line between video games as a hobby, and video game addiction...and where is the line between being an overly needy girlfriend (so I LIKE spending time with him ,even if it's doing absolutely nothing) and being obsessive, controlling and over emotional??

We both have to learn where the lines are, so we can stop hurting each other, both trying to make our relationship the best it can be, but trying the wrong things.

I can't seem to work up the courage to tell the Mormons that I am not interested, please go away.
I like to learn about different religions, so that when I say I am not something or other, I have the knowledge to have a concrete reason as to why not.
Simply put, I have always had a bit of an issue with any religion that puts restrictions on what you can and can't eat or drink, because personally I think that is a decision I should be able to make myself.
The Missionaries that have been visiting are two very very sweet young guys and I respect their choice to spend their time spreading what they believe to be the truth and I see no point in being flat out rude.....in fact, I welcomed them to teach me, and Darshaun, so he could ask questions and learn something new...however, I am not interested in attending their church, or becoming a part of their religion and I just don't have the guts to say so and they keep coming over, and are planning to pick up me and the kids tomorrow morning for church.

I'm going to take the cowards way out, and not answer the door when they come....I will however, have the respect to write them a letter and say, very politely, all the things I have just said here...I am not interested....I have no problem with reading the book of Mormon and learning about their religion, but I know I will never become a part of it. I have no problems with reading the childrens version of the book to Darshaun, or him reading it on his own because he has a genuine interest in it, how ever, I have always said my children will pick their own religion and beliefs when they are old enough to have the knowledge to do so, and understand why they are.

I've never found a religion that I entirely agree with...and sometimes, that conscerns me...I mean, almost every person I have ever met who was religious, seem so happy, like they have something to fill a void in their life...I don't feel like I have a void I guess, so I have never gone out looking for something to fill it.
I had a friend who was a witch, and I really loved talking to her and reading her books and taking part in ceremonies with her (she did one on the first anniversary of September 11th, to heal the earth and bless all those effected by the tragedy and it was so beautiful I am happy I took part), and I used to have a really sweet Jehovahs Witness couple come by and bring me Watchtower magazines, simply because I mentioned I did enjoy reading them, and I do, as I am sincerly curious about religion, I am just not interested in being a part of one at this time.
I live my life as a good person, a good mom, a good friend....I have respect for every person, every race, culture, age....
I strive for the best I can manage for me and my family in everything I do, surrounding us with people who have the same level of respect for themselves and others as I do, and accepting no less from those I associate with (this has earned me the title of snob in the past, but I am content with my decision, and it does not hurt anyone to do this).
I think, if there is a God of some type, and I really like to belive there is, how I live my life, honest, respectful, and strong, should be enough.
I don't think it should matter if I had sex before marriage...if I hadn't, neither of my kids would exist and frankly, they are a blessing to everyone and I hate to imagine a world without them.
I don't think it should matter if I eat bacon...I LOVE bacon....
I don't think it should matter if I drink coffee....or tea....or alcohol, as long as I am responsible and respectful in my actions when I do...
And I just don't think I could be a part of something with restrictions on personal aspects of my life.
I believe in loving, and respecting all people and nature.
I believe in karma. I love to "pay it forward", and give random acts of kindness any time I can.
And I believe that being true to yourself, always, is the most important thing someone can do for themselves.
But I made these decisions on my own. Not because a book, or preist told me to.
Thats my personal decision. It's what is right for me, and me alone. I don't push it on anyone, not even my children...they are expected to live as i do until they are old enought to make the decision that is right for them, and what ever that turns out to be, I will love the just the same...just as I would expect a true "God" to do if he/she/it exisited....

It's harder to get used to being alone in the evenings then I thought it would be...I feel even more tied to the house now, cause it's too difficult to even go visit friends when I have to worry about a sitter for the kids...
i am so happy and proud Chris got a job, but the jealousy lingers...I hate not working myself, I hate having no freedom and going to bed alone....and I hate having so many complaints over something good!!  Why am I never happy, no matter what is going on?? Why must I always find fault with every little thing in life....

I really annoy myself sometimes.

Chris FINALLY got a job and what do I do? Turn into the raging hormonal bitch from hell...poor guy...
Quite frankly, I'm jealous. I want to be working and supporting my family. I feel like I have such a huge obstacle because of child care outside of school and daycare hours I can't seem to find any jobs, short of fast food, that can offer those hours....I interviewed for my dream job today, and still if I get it, there is stress....finding a sitter to watch my daughter two times a week, for one hour. OR finding a sitter to pick up Annika, then Darshaun and watch them both at my place until I get home, but not ask an amazingly huge amount of money for doing it, or I will be working pretty much to support that...As it is, any job I get, the government takes half my pay for "daycare"...If I get a job I am just going to apply for daycare subsidy so it's only taking 176.00 a month instead of half my wages.
But, I have to find a job first, and I am just so annoyed with the jobs that are out there...I absolutely dread that to get the hours I want, that I can work at the moment, I am going to have to throw away the last two years of building my office admin. skills and work at a call center again....miserable, but self sufficient....?????
Using my skills at a good career-based job, but struggling to pay babysitters and losing time with my kids...???

Just searching for my lesser of two evils at this point I guess......

So, finally, Chris landed himself a job....I am so proud. This is the first job he ever got on his own and it was because they simply loved him in his interviews.
Now.
I have a job interview for the PERFECT job tomorrow....so nervous...I want this job so much I can taste it, even though I know it will be hard as far as dinner for the kids and what not, but it would be worth it to get my foot in the door at the place I would very happily settle for the rest of my working life! Yeah. THAT good of a job.
Wish me luck!

I must be simply BOMBING my interviews, since that is as far as I am getting with my job searching. I am so frustrated...I just want to work, not have to be thinking about the timing of this and the schedule of that and where I have to be and where the kids have to be and when, and how....I just want to work. To earn a pay cheque again.
At this rate, I may have to throw away all the administrative experience I have been trying to build for the last two years and go back to working fast food for the rest of my life.... I am just so angry at myself for failing something I used to be good at...I used to be able to land a job in less then 2 weeks, and work my butt off, and now I have so may things standing in my way, two kids and where they need to be and when they need to be there to consider...I am just so tired of failing...I want to get my life back and I can't seem to figure out how.....

Christy: "It's uncouth to talk about your buttcrack."
Annika: "It's not a tooth, it's a butt crack!!"
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Darshaun: "I'm a zombie! I'm gonna eat your hole!"

(This saying came after, while playing zombies with the neighbour, and Darshaun had already eaten his "brain" and was pretending to eat what was left...)
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Daddy: "Annika, get your hands away from your face."
Annika: "I can't."
Daddy: "Why not?"
Annika: "Cause I'm picking my nose!!"
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I have two interviews next week....one is for a job I don't actually want, but I am so desperate to get back to work and have money to live on again, I am about ready to do anything.  Both jobs however, will need for me to figure out picking up and dropping off with the kidlets, so it could get complicated....
The job I want, the hours are 9-5...which would mean, Chris drops off Annika at daycare, and I RUN MY ASS from work at 5 to get there to pick her up before close at 5:30...which I can make work, but in the winter, I don't know....
Also complicating matters is Chris has a 3rd interview for the job at Wal-mart, which is great, except the hours are 3-11...meaning he can't be at my place when Darshaun gets off from school, so now I have to figure out affordable, close by,  after school care for him, since Annika and I wouldn't be getting home until 6-630 every night....that also complicates the whole dinner thing....We have always had dinner between 5-530....kids are in bed at 8....dinner will have to move I suppose, and if I can get in the habit of beginning it the second I walk in the door...
*sigh*
Is life ever simple???

Feeling alot better, and getting back to normal life lately. I find out on August 5th how everything is going, have my followup and blood work then, so going to keep my fingers crossed for that one.
No job yet, for me, or Chris, but with both of us looking like crazy and some great people helping us with the search, and our resumes, I am hoping for one, or both of us to be working soon...Chris did get a 2nd interview for Wal Mart, so at least that is something....I still haven't had any luck, but I am just going to keep looking and working on getting my skills higher so I can boast expert skill on a resume with out "embellishing" the truth at all...lol.

Darshaun has had a crazy week...we found his birth father. He is in the US on a work Visa from his home country of Macedonia, and I am still in shock that I found him....I am happy that I did, and he seems genuinely interested in being as much of a father to Darshaun as he can be....no, I have not demanded child support as there is still the issue of someone elses name being on Darshauns birth certificate and I'd have to prove he wasn't the father in order to have it removed....I may just go through with my plan of going to court to have Scotts parental rights remove, and then just leave it at that.
Dar is really excited to get to know more about his birth father, and his background, and he is happy to finally be able to see where he gets his looks from, it was something he always asked about and it's nice to be able to give him a better answer and show him pictures.
This is Darshaun.....

This is his birth-father, Rexhail.

I see it. When I look at Darshaun, I always knew who his dad was, but I made a mistake when I was pregnant and made my boyfriend at the time his dad. His birth father, was only 19 or so at the time and scared. He saw Darshaun once when he was 3 weeks old, and then I never spoke to him again, until last week...crazy world...  I am so scared of my little man getting hurt...or of him having this idea that his birth dad is this amazing great man, when really, he isn't, he's just the man who grew out of that scared boy who used to party with me...there's no long lost love story to go along with how Darshaun came to be...his father looked pretty on my arm and frankly, that was the only reason I was ever with him....we had nothing in common, he wasn't so great at the English language, and wasn't the brightest bulb in the box.

I wish there was something more romantic or dramatic or less embarassing to tell my son, but I think I may have to just stick with the truth, once he is old enough to understand that two people who aren't in love can make a child, and still be able to love him just the same....

So tired.....but, if thats really the worst I can claim, I am not doing all too bad....
Only 7 more radiation treatments left and that is done....I can't wait....the side effects are driving me bananas!!  Between feeling like all I want to do is sleep for ever and running for the bathroom because I never know if it's just gas, or LAVA my body is trying to expel....I just have to remind myself that I could have it so much worse....I could be losing my hair, or body parts...I could have had a pump, feeding chemo into me 24-7, instead of just five days of sitting for a few hours....I could be going thru all this alone, without the friends I have, the amazing ones who have come forward from all over the place with well wishes and phone calls and love in all forms....
It could be so much worse and I hate to complain because of simply that.
But THANK GOD it's almost done.

I have started writing another book...still have a bit of research to do before I can really get into the writing of it, but I am going to give it a try- so be warned all my articulate writer friends, I will be picking your brains for advice soon, sending out snippets and chapters and needing your help!!  :)
If I can just keep up my motivation to get it on to the paper, I may actually have a chance of completing a book in the next year....one more challenge that I can be proud of accomplishing....

And I can not wait to get back to work, and get Chris out there working....we need to move, have a house where everyone has their own space, where I don't stress if I light is left on cause it's gonna bring the hydro bill up, and I don't have to plan out every meal down to the very last ingredient just to make sure the food lasts....
how I long for that.....life.....with less stress.....

Despite it all, everything going on, a bit of happiness.

This is my engagement ring.
Chris has a few more payments to make, and is working his butt off between odd jobs when he has time, and slowly finding buyers for his "toys" to get it for me.
Wow.

My last dose of chemo is next Monday- I was surprised to hear that this part of the treatment is almost over- but FAR from being upset. The chemo makes me crampy and icky feeling so it will be so nice to have it done with. Radiation still continues, five days a week, until the end of June though. Blah. The radiation makes me tired.....really, really tired....but it's better then I was preparing myself for, so I am pleasantly surprised, and really still feel like I can't complain.
And I have the best friends and family I could ask for at a time like this. They are all over North America and have all come forward and been so emotionally, financially, and amazing supportive and I can never, ever thank any of them enough.
Thank you Jillian, got your mail today. Good luck beating "Donna" to the hospital, although the media frenzy will be too distracted by your baby to even look at hers! :P
Thank you Diane. Across the country too, and bending over back wards to do all you can for me!
Thank you to Lauren. Your bum grabs always cheer me up!!  Even if they are only the cyber-kind.
Thank you Heather for keeping me up, and making me feel alive and bringing me so much fun during this hard time.
Thank you to Chris. You know what you do for me, to me, ect. And I love you for it. Sorry about the mood swings bud, but let us poor old ladies menopause in peace will ya? We're liable to rip your head off if you don't!! LOL
And thank you Marsha! sometimes a night alone, with a crowd of drunken idiots, is exactly what we need to feel human again!
Thank you Manda for all the positive energy all the way from Missouri! I can't wait for your new bundle and all the pictures of that perfect little creature!

There are so many more people I could sit here and thank by name, but none of them read this...I'll do it in person.

Blah. This week has been the worst so far, I guess now is about the time all my side effects are going to kick in, and they are...been starting to get nausea and cramping in the afternoons the last two days, doozing off and pretty much going to bed between 7-8pm, mood swings from hell, and just all around ickiness.
I have to start my hormone therapy but I can't cause being off of work means getting money (and a tiny amount at that) only once a month and not being able to fill any of my prescriptions until the end of next week, our food situation is dismal and I am just going insane...how do people do this???
I am sick of trying to borrow money off people, everyone most think I am just the biggest mooch in history and, frankly it's not there fault I have cancer and have no way to make ends meet, but I have sold pretty much anything I have that is worth anything and I am stressing out even more.
This is hard. all of this. It's just so bloody overwhelming, and I still have over a month left......  :(

Things are going pretty well....I need to update this thing more when things are going well, because seriously, lately, I feel like all I do is complain.
Today will be my fourth dose of radiation- it's not bad, doesn't hurt or anything, just lying there with my pants down (they have to zap my pelvic area!) for a few minutes and then it's done.
Everyone working at the cancer center is really sweet and they explain everything they do and why in detail, with out it sounding like they are dumbing it down for a 3 year old and it's really encouraging to be able to understand the why and the how when you are going through something like this!!
I don't have my next dose of chemo until next week, which is fine with me cause I hate it. It's not painful either, but it is 2-3 HOURS of sitting in a chair with an iv pumping stuff into you, and getting up to go to the bathroom is hilarious, as you have to unplug your machine and roll it down the hall with you to go! LOL  I suppose it could be so much worse though!  I have SO much sympathy for the people who have to go through this all all day long, and kids- it tears me up to think about a little girl or boy sitting there with the stupid machine beeping and dripping into you while you just sit, and wait, and hope that this will be the end, it will all be over soon....
You better believe I am going to be doing some serious volunteer work for the cancer society when this is done!!

Other then the treatments, life is nice and calm right now. With neither Chris or I able to work a the moment things are TIGHT as hell financially, obviously, but we are managing. And of course I have to give love to the friends form all over the place who weren't offended by my request and sent money instead of flowers. Taking my kids to McDonalds and the Dollarstore and seeing them happy while I am going through all this- meant far more!! (I also bought practical things that were needed, and paid a bill or two! No worries!!!)
They are such little troopers.

But I CAN NOT wait until this is over. Get back to work, get back to life....sigh.

Feeling scared and alone in a  house full of people.
Lost and hopeless and empty inside.
I cry, and I get punished.
I ask for help, and I am denied.
I want love, and no one in my own home seems to have an ounce to give to me.

Why should I fight for a life like this?

 Back home for a week now and I have already proved to everyone that, without a doubt, I am the most impatient person in the entire world.
I am not healing as fast as I want to be, although I have been assured by several people that I am in fact healing quite quickly. The house isn't how I want it when I want it to be, and I am driving Chris crazy with my nagging or, am am hurting myself by getting up and doing things myself when my body is simply not ready to be doing them.
I hate how my stomach looks, I hate how I feel, I hate all the things I can not do, like putting on my own damn socks... It sounds so stupid but I simply hate this. I have been so, so lucky my whole life to never have had much to "recover" from, and now I am even more thankful, because frankly, I make a horrible patient.

The butterflies in my stomach have gone psycho with Wednesday fast approaching and all of my nerves into over drive...I worry about the operation, my kids, the bills, the food in the house, the nosey neighbours and their  issues, and just what I am going to be like after....
It seems silly to be going in for such an important surgery and have one of my worries be what positions I may not be able to do anymore for sex be one of my worries..sad, sad,sad.
BUT, so many people are helping me, I am feeling love from all over the place, love from people that frankly, i didn't even know gave a shit, and it's nice...

My friend Nancy, who is taking the kids for the few days I am in the hospital so Chris can have a break while he goes through all this with me, took me to Teaopia and bought me some really yummy teas in lieu of flowers...I am feeling good, and warm and sane right now because of her....thank you Nancy.

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Part of me is still worried that too much will change and I may lose someone I love so much when I come out of this....

I went in today to sign my paper work and hear, in detail, exactly how they are to cut me open and remove the cancer in a few short weeks. 3- 5 days in the hospital, and then home, stuck in bed, with a catheter, 'cause I won't be able to use the washroom by myself for two weeks, and another tube draining fluid from where they are removing my lymph nodes at the same time. Stuck in bed, on recovery from all of this, for 6 weeks.
Then I get a call from Ontario Works, which is Ontario's version of "welfare". They have been paying for my daughter to go to daycare, as I have been working either part-time and searching for full time, or working full time since she was about 3 months old. They informed me that since I would be no longer be working, or looking for work (being on bed rest after cancer surgery does make that a tad difficult) they would no longer be paying for Annika to go to daycare. They said, as they are paying for employment related expenses, it was not their concern to help me with my daughters care while I was in recovery.
They are also taking away my transportation allowance, leaving me with no way to get to doctors appointments, or even to and from the hospital when I need to go for surgery.
It is not their problem as my health is not an employment related concern.
So on top of the stress of having to go through this in the first place is trying to care for a two year old, when I won't even be able to leave my bed, bend, or pick up anything over 10 lbs for 6- 8 weeks.

I'm broke, scared, and it feels hopeless. I know I have so many wonderful people praying for me right now and that makes me feel great, but I don't think prayers are going to help me and my children through this, and I am scared that there is nothing that can.

I thought my mind was spinning before?? Now, I am just about to lose it completely!
I am so scared.

Spinning.....spinning....thats all my mind seems capable of doing the last while, just spinning.....
Cancer. You hear it, you never think it can apply to you as you smoke your cigarette, treat infections from dirty boys, ignore the signs, ignore the signs.......
Then it hits you, or at least it hit me, like a truck, and the only thought I had is "Where the fuck are my kids going to go if I die?" Darshaun's father is at best a useless mess of a man and Annika's dad still won't admit to himself, his new wifey or his family that she not only exists, but that he flat out asked for her.
What will happen to them??

I know, with the surgery I have a 90% chance of being cured. Good odds....but 10%, seems so little unless it's about you, your life, your health, and your future.......

And what kind of woman does that leave me?? I can never give Chris a child. Of course he says that doesn't bother him, and no I don't think he is lieing to spare my feelings, but thats only how he feels now, at 22....what about 25, and 30, and 40....no one to carry on after him...

Can I be selfish enough to take that that away?? Say "Well if you stay with me you are out of luck for what you wanted for your life, your legacy!!"

How can I do that?

How can I do this??

Fuck.   

I just don't know anything right now.....

I'm only spinning......